It's 11:26 on a Friday night and I've found myself in my room on my laptop, browsing websites about video games and listening to a few albums for the majority of the day (the past seven hours to be precise). I woke up on Nick's couch cold and sore from the night before. I turned 21 yesterday and I had a great night, thanks to some really great friends of mine. I could go on in detail about what I had to drink, the conversations held outside over a few cigarettes, or the forgotten walk back, but I'm certain that no one truly wants to read about it.
I haven't written anything in over two months. I felt that by officially declaring a hiatus that I could absolve my usual guilt of never bothering to post. It's worked surprisingly well, but I've got far too much to say to not write anymore. I've got a ton on my mind right now and I'm prone to getting exhausted and giving up on long posts, so we'll see how long this turns out...
I'm not sure what being 21 really means to me. It was liberating to go out to the bar and feel that much closer to what our society has established as adulthood. I'll never have to worry about any sort of underage drinking again. I sure don't feel like an adult though. I don't do enough, I'm not independent enough, I can't handle responsibility well enough, I'm too childish... I could go on about my anxiety towards my aging, but it makes it sound worse than it is. While all of these thoughts run through my head from time to time, in truth I'm generally happy with where I'm at and how I feel about my life. So far I've managed to get by in life by just winging it all, and I'll keep that up until it fails me.
On a similar note, I'd like to get more involved with something I consider worthwhile. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what defines me. I would generally refer to myself as "a nerdy and somewhat hip guy who digs music, gaming, eating, and the company of others" or something like that. The thing is, I don't feel like that actually paints a decent picture of myself. Now, I realize that the essence of a person can't simply be put into words. The thing is, I know that certain things are important to me, but I'm not sure how to describe them. I think the happiness of ourselves and others is the most important thing we can strive towards in life, because if a person has a true happiness then I can't really see what else they need. Happiness is something that is brought to us by many different sources. Some people seek accomplishment, recognition, fame, peace, etc... It's not as simple as buying the world a Coke and calling it a day. Anyways, I want to do volunteer work for Make-A-Wish foundation. The things they do for children constantly bring a smile to my face and I think the amount of effort that goes into ensuring that these kids who often won't get to live the same sort of life as others are given a wonderful life-changing experience is simply beautiful. I plan on starting up once I've returned to Bloomington.
Bloomington gives me a good starting point for my next bit of (it is at this exact moment that my long post exhaustion is kicking in, so...) rambling. I'm extremely excited to move into my apartment. In exactly three weeks I'll be spending my first night there. Bloomington is a wonderful town and I miss it. I miss the places, the atmosphere, and most importantly my friends. I love my friends in Beech Grove to death. They're the best friends that I could ever ask for. The difference is they can come spend a weekend in Bloomington. Richard can't exactly drive up from Tennessee every weekend. I haven't even been able to see John. It'll be so nice to be able to spend time with them in a place of living that I can call my own.
That being said, this has been one hell of a summer. We've (me and the guys) watched all of Avatar, went late night swimming, been mugging (not mugged thankfully), drank together, eaten our body weight in 50 cent wings at Buffalo Wild Wings, met several great musicians at some amazing concerts, and just hung out and had a good time. I've enjoyed not having any school work to stress about and at the beginning of the summer, getting away from Bloomington and getting back here was exactly what I needed.
The end of the school year was a rather large time for me in my life. Breaking up with my girlfriend of nearly four years changed a lot in how I lived my life, both on a physical and personal level. I've tried hard to make myself into a better person, to change the aspects of myself that I don't like. I feel like I've been somewhat successful in this while also realizing some other problems I've had along the way. Nobody is perfect, even if they spend their whole life trying to fix their flaws. I feel that by at least being aware of one's own faults, they can be lessened if never truly fixed. Changing who you are on a fundamental level isn't as easy as just wishing it that way and being done with it.
I want next year to be amazing. I want to live it as a person who has grown over a summer through life events and personal insight. I hope that I can live up to my expectations for myself.
This ended up pretty long... Sorry about that!
Showing posts with label thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thought. Show all posts
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Like A Ghost In The Static
Do you ever wonder if there's a point to anything you say, or if anyone finds it remotely interesting? What if it's wrong, or makes you look stupid? What if it's something you won't agree with tomorrow when you think about it, something you just said in the moment? How do you know when you're clear in mind, not just believing it? Which thoughts of yours are the ones you really mean? What if you can't figure out what you think about something? What if your perception of reality has become too warped to accurately assess a situation, even when you try? Why do you try?
Why am I even writing this? So I can get a pity comment? So some jackass friend can post something about how no one cares? Am I vain? Do I think I'm important? Witty? Clever? How can I tell if I don't think I am or I'm just being humble (or pretending to be)? Can one lie to themselves?
Just a bit of thought I'm going through while not studying.
Why am I even writing this? So I can get a pity comment? So some jackass friend can post something about how no one cares? Am I vain? Do I think I'm important? Witty? Clever? How can I tell if I don't think I am or I'm just being humble (or pretending to be)? Can one lie to themselves?
Just a bit of thought I'm going through while not studying.
Friday, 15 July 2011
Why I Currently Suck
I think that above title is probably appropriate yeah... This post will be dedicated to how my summer has been, but more importantly, why I suck right now and generally need to stop sucking.
Also, it feels real good to be posting after such an extended absence. I gotta do this more!
Over the summer, I've done a lot of cool things. Some of the ones I can think of are as follows (more may be added at a later point, as this is also something of a personal reminder):
HOWEVER, I AM A LAZY BASTARD. I have become so incredibly useless during my summer. I will now present the world with a list of reasons I have been a piece of crap (I may again add more later):
I'm really not sure why I got so damn lazy. Maybe it was the absolute freedom of no school or job or anything. Maybe it was the sudden lack of stress. Maybe it's because my food intake has been cut in half. Nevertheless, I'm most certainly disappointed in myself. I could be, should be better than this.
Whatever, you all get the point.
I'll make sure to try harder to keep you informed on more crap about myself that you don't care about!
Also, it feels real good to be posting after such an extended absence. I gotta do this more!
Over the summer, I've done a lot of cool things. Some of the ones I can think of are as follows (more may be added at a later point, as this is also something of a personal reminder):
- Went to King's Island with Phil, Anthony and Splinter
- Lots of late night White Castle
- Got mugged at Central, spent all night at the police station
- The party at Anthony's
- Infiltrated South Grove
- Swimming and tanning with Kyra
- DnD with the usual gang
HOWEVER, I AM A LAZY BASTARD. I have become so incredibly useless during my summer. I will now present the world with a list of reasons I have been a piece of crap (I may again add more later):
- I haven't blogged in two months
- My clothes have generally resided on my floor
- I still haven't checked my stuff for next school year
- I still haven't called Alienware back about this thing's failures
- I didn't get my job back, probably because I waited over a month to call
- I've been waking up between 12-2 every day
- My room is an absolute wreck
I'm really not sure why I got so damn lazy. Maybe it was the absolute freedom of no school or job or anything. Maybe it was the sudden lack of stress. Maybe it's because my food intake has been cut in half. Nevertheless, I'm most certainly disappointed in myself. I could be, should be better than this.
Whatever, you all get the point.
I'll make sure to try harder to keep you informed on more crap about myself that you don't care about!
Thursday, 17 March 2011
A Call To Arms
What would I change in the world, if I could?
I don't know, that's a huge question. I mean, shouldn't the obvious answer be to solve world hunger or even world peace? Those are stupid answers, I think. Conflict is inevitable and as a result, everyone cannot truly be equal. It's a wonderful dream to be sure, but not feasible, not in this world.
I wish I could free people from the stress that modern society creates.
Think of all of the things you've had to go through in life that were stressful. I mean, I'm in college for God's sake. The complexity of IU is baffling. Covering all of the costs alone is incredibly hard just to start. You've got loans, grants, FAFSA, scholarships, bursar refunds... Past that, you've got the stress of all of your classes. You have to do good, or else you'll be permanently affected. You may lose scholarships or not be able to get into the school you wanted to. You also have to actually know what you want to do in life. If not, you may have to change your major and take an extra year or perhaps summer classes.
All of this is done in an attempt to get a well-paying job. Even then, it's more about who you know.
You go through all of this simply because the way our modern world is set up. I know the education system is different in other countries, but wherever you go the end result is that you'll have to go through a lot of work just to attain what is considered to be a good life by society.
It isn't just the school system that I take issue with. Think about the minimum wage job you may have had or attempting to file taxes. Life is complicated. It's stressful. It loads a ton of expectations on you with seemingly little results.
Why is it that we never seem to be encouraged to pursue happiness in our lives? What if we honestly don't want to go to college or get a high paying job?
NOTE: I am resuming writing this after a few days. I've had time to clarify my thought and am in a different state of mind. Let's see how this goes.
My issue, ultimately, is that I believe people in today's world are often unable to attain happiness due to the amount of stress and conflicting ideals that the world throws at them. We spend so long going through the system that's been established to bring us to adulthood, doing our critical thinking about life and the universe on the sidelines. It's so difficult to get even an idea of what to do with our lives, let alone of the significance of what we choose to do.
...Shoot, this whole thing is unorganized. It's a mess-and-a-half. It's a combination of my school-related stress and my recent philosophical quandaries. I'm going to give this whole "change in the world" thing another go when I have a better idea of what exactly it is. Until then, enjoy my semi-coherent rambling.
I don't know, that's a huge question. I mean, shouldn't the obvious answer be to solve world hunger or even world peace? Those are stupid answers, I think. Conflict is inevitable and as a result, everyone cannot truly be equal. It's a wonderful dream to be sure, but not feasible, not in this world.
I wish I could free people from the stress that modern society creates.
Think of all of the things you've had to go through in life that were stressful. I mean, I'm in college for God's sake. The complexity of IU is baffling. Covering all of the costs alone is incredibly hard just to start. You've got loans, grants, FAFSA, scholarships, bursar refunds... Past that, you've got the stress of all of your classes. You have to do good, or else you'll be permanently affected. You may lose scholarships or not be able to get into the school you wanted to. You also have to actually know what you want to do in life. If not, you may have to change your major and take an extra year or perhaps summer classes.
All of this is done in an attempt to get a well-paying job. Even then, it's more about who you know.
You go through all of this simply because the way our modern world is set up. I know the education system is different in other countries, but wherever you go the end result is that you'll have to go through a lot of work just to attain what is considered to be a good life by society.
It isn't just the school system that I take issue with. Think about the minimum wage job you may have had or attempting to file taxes. Life is complicated. It's stressful. It loads a ton of expectations on you with seemingly little results.
Why is it that we never seem to be encouraged to pursue happiness in our lives? What if we honestly don't want to go to college or get a high paying job?
NOTE: I am resuming writing this after a few days. I've had time to clarify my thought and am in a different state of mind. Let's see how this goes.
My issue, ultimately, is that I believe people in today's world are often unable to attain happiness due to the amount of stress and conflicting ideals that the world throws at them. We spend so long going through the system that's been established to bring us to adulthood, doing our critical thinking about life and the universe on the sidelines. It's so difficult to get even an idea of what to do with our lives, let alone of the significance of what we choose to do.
...Shoot, this whole thing is unorganized. It's a mess-and-a-half. It's a combination of my school-related stress and my recent philosophical quandaries. I'm going to give this whole "change in the world" thing another go when I have a better idea of what exactly it is. Until then, enjoy my semi-coherent rambling.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Responsibilities Of Many Kinds
Right now, I should be writing a paper for X-100, Introduction To Business. I will, sooner or later. It will get done, as will my other work. But it seems so pointless, so shallow...
I've been thinking a lot lately, about all sorts of things as evidenced by an earlier post. My current big question is this: What is my responsibility to this world?
Do I owe the world or the people of it anything? Should I be striving for the betterment of mankind? If so, how? There are many things one could theoretically do to attempt such a thing. I could educate myself politically and vote informed or even attempt to enter the system to make our country a better place to live. I could start a business with the intent of providing the world with a product or service that would better it. I could do all kinds of things, but ultimately, is it my responsibility?
What about my responsibility to myself? My desire for personal happiness and fulfillment? When does that factor in to my decision-making process? Likewise though, if all of my actions are self-serving am I selfish? Does it make me uncaring of the world around me?
What if absolutely everyone was self-serving? Wouldn't we all be fine then? I mean, if we were all held responsible for our own personal satisfaction and only our own, we wouldn't have to feel bad if others were in a bad situation. Of course, we DO feel bad, so that's a moot point. For that matter, I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel bad. Au contrair, I personally believe that by attempting to provide happiness for others, we can find peace for ourselves knowing we're doing something...
By saying that, I acknowledge that I believe a person to have some form of debt to the world around them. However, now there is the issue of what is truly important in life. Assuming that I should be helping others, is happiness what I should be attempting to provide? I find happiness to be a good goal, as it encompasses all sorts of options such as financial stability, equal rights, or even just someone to listen. What if I'm wrong though? What if the overall goal of humanity is to accomplish something and our personal happiness is insignificant to this goal or perhaps something that is supposed to be obtained through a pursuit of it?
By now, I must admit to a bit of weariness and am going to conclude this post. Any of you who read, I would love to hear your thoughts on this!
I've been thinking a lot lately, about all sorts of things as evidenced by an earlier post. My current big question is this: What is my responsibility to this world?
Do I owe the world or the people of it anything? Should I be striving for the betterment of mankind? If so, how? There are many things one could theoretically do to attempt such a thing. I could educate myself politically and vote informed or even attempt to enter the system to make our country a better place to live. I could start a business with the intent of providing the world with a product or service that would better it. I could do all kinds of things, but ultimately, is it my responsibility?
What about my responsibility to myself? My desire for personal happiness and fulfillment? When does that factor in to my decision-making process? Likewise though, if all of my actions are self-serving am I selfish? Does it make me uncaring of the world around me?
What if absolutely everyone was self-serving? Wouldn't we all be fine then? I mean, if we were all held responsible for our own personal satisfaction and only our own, we wouldn't have to feel bad if others were in a bad situation. Of course, we DO feel bad, so that's a moot point. For that matter, I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel bad. Au contrair, I personally believe that by attempting to provide happiness for others, we can find peace for ourselves knowing we're doing something...
By saying that, I acknowledge that I believe a person to have some form of debt to the world around them. However, now there is the issue of what is truly important in life. Assuming that I should be helping others, is happiness what I should be attempting to provide? I find happiness to be a good goal, as it encompasses all sorts of options such as financial stability, equal rights, or even just someone to listen. What if I'm wrong though? What if the overall goal of humanity is to accomplish something and our personal happiness is insignificant to this goal or perhaps something that is supposed to be obtained through a pursuit of it?
By now, I must admit to a bit of weariness and am going to conclude this post. Any of you who read, I would love to hear your thoughts on this!