Getting Old

It's 11:26 on a Friday night and I've found myself in my room on my laptop, browsing websites about video games and listening to a few albums for the majority of the day (the past seven hours to be precise). I woke up on Nick's couch cold and sore from the night before. I turned 21 yesterday and I had a great night, thanks to some really great friends of mine. I could go on in detail about what I had to drink, the conversations held outside over a few cigarettes, or the forgotten walk back, but I'm certain that no one truly wants to read about it.

I haven't written anything in over two months. I felt that by officially declaring a hiatus that I could absolve my usual guilt of never bothering to post. It's worked surprisingly well, but I've got far too much to say to not write anymore. I've got a ton on my mind right now and I'm prone to getting exhausted and giving up on long posts, so we'll see how long this turns out...

I'm not sure what being 21 really means to me. It was liberating to go out to the bar and feel that much closer to what our society has established as adulthood. I'll never have to worry about any sort of underage drinking again. I sure don't feel like an adult though. I don't do enough, I'm not independent enough, I can't handle responsibility well enough, I'm too childish... I could go on about my anxiety towards my aging, but it makes it sound worse than it is. While all of these thoughts run through my head from time to time, in truth I'm generally happy with where I'm at and how I feel about my life. So far I've managed to get by in life by just winging it all, and I'll keep that up until it fails me.

On a similar note, I'd like to get more involved with something I consider worthwhile. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what defines me. I would generally refer to myself as "a nerdy and somewhat hip guy who digs music, gaming, eating, and the company of others" or something like that. The thing is, I don't feel like that actually paints a decent picture of myself. Now, I realize that the essence of a person can't simply be put into words. The thing is, I know that certain things are important to me, but I'm not sure how to describe them. I think the happiness of ourselves and others is the most important thing we can strive towards in life, because if a person has a true happiness then I can't really see what else they need. Happiness is something that is brought to us by many different sources. Some people seek accomplishment, recognition, fame, peace, etc... It's not as simple as buying the world a Coke and calling it a day. Anyways, I want to do volunteer work for Make-A-Wish foundation. The things they do for children constantly bring a smile to my face and I think the amount of effort that goes into ensuring that these kids who often won't get to live the same sort of life as others are given a wonderful life-changing experience is simply beautiful. I plan on starting up once I've returned to Bloomington.

Bloomington gives me a good starting point for my next bit of (it is at this exact moment that my long post exhaustion is kicking in, so...) rambling. I'm extremely excited to move into my apartment. In exactly three weeks I'll be spending my first night there. Bloomington is a wonderful town and I miss it. I miss the places, the atmosphere, and most importantly my friends. I love my friends in Beech Grove to death. They're the best friends that I could ever ask for. The difference is they can come spend a weekend in Bloomington. Richard can't exactly drive up from Tennessee every weekend. I haven't even been able to see John. It'll be so nice to be able to spend time with them in a place of living that I can call my own.

That being said, this has been one hell of a summer. We've (me and the guys) watched all of Avatar, went late night swimming, been mugging (not mugged thankfully), drank together, eaten our body weight in 50 cent wings at Buffalo Wild Wings, met several great musicians at some amazing concerts, and just hung out and had a good time. I've enjoyed not having any school work to stress about and at the beginning of the summer, getting away from Bloomington and getting back here was exactly what I needed.

The end of the school year was a rather large time for me in my life. Breaking up with my girlfriend of nearly four years changed a lot in how I lived my life, both on a physical and personal level. I've tried hard to make myself into a better person, to change the aspects of myself that I don't like. I feel like I've been somewhat successful in this while also realizing some other problems I've had along the way. Nobody is perfect, even if they spend their whole life trying to fix their flaws. I feel that by at least being aware of one's own faults, they can be lessened if never truly fixed. Changing who you are on a fundamental level isn't as easy as just wishing it that way and being done with it.

I want next year to be amazing. I want to live it as a person who has grown over a summer through life events and personal insight. I hope that I can live up to my expectations for myself.

This ended up pretty long... Sorry about that!

The Post In Which I Talk About My Smoking Habit

So, I'm apparently a smoker now. I'm not sure when I figured this out, probably when I actually started enjoying it rather than just doing it to look cool.

This would be the look I'm hoping for

Immediately after typing the above, I've realized this post is going to be longer and needs more explanation than I originally though, so let's start with this fact: I'm a social smoker.

I have smoked on my own a total of two or three times in my life. It's just not something I do. I'm not addicted, I don't need to smoke, and I generally don't care how cool I look to the random people on the streets. That doesn't mean I only do it to fit in or because other people are. I do it because I enjoy it, it relaxes me, and I like to pretend it makes me look cool. That right there leads me to the reason that I started smoking.

I started because I like the way it makes a person look. I don't give a damn how shallow or stupid that sounds, it's why I started. It's not like I ever hid that fact, I openly told the people around me that I pretend it does. Hell I'm not even saying it actually makes me look cool. You know that feeling when you get a new shirt and it makes you feel good and you want people to notice it? It's an accessory, same as anything else.

I started a while ago, not exactly sure when, over a year though. I mostly smoked cheap-as-hell cigars because they were cheap. Being myself though, I had a craving to try new things and interesting varieties so I've moved through a few types of cigars and cigarettes.

1. Hell, I can't even remember the name of em, the cheap multi-flavored cigarillos that cost like $2 at Speedway for a pack of 20. Also they suck.
2. Marlboro Blend 54's - I got these because they were menthol, which I like, and because the box looked cool. I liked them a lot but I'm not sure if I'd get them again.
3. American Spirit Menthols - Yes I know, stereotypical hipster cigarette. Still, I wanted a quality menthol and the variety at the Beech Grove Speedway is incredibly lacking. They're really good, a little smoother than the Marlboro. I'd smoke them again for sure.
4. Lucky Strikes - An American classic. These guys are unfiltered and STRONG. I mean, get weak after like two inhales strong. Still, they've got a good taste and I'm a sucker for things that make me feel like I could be in the 50's.

See, a classic!

I've tried others that I enjoyed too, but those are the only ones I've bought packs of. When I say packs, I actually mean a pack each, because I really only smoke like one a week so they last forever, although it's been more like two a week this semester, probably because a lot of people I know here smoke too.

Now, I started because I liked the way it looked, but I keep going because I like the relaxation it brings and the taste. I could quit anytime and I damn well know it. I've got no cravings and I can easily go a week without one. Plus, it makes situations where everyone is outside and smoking more pleasant.

I know what some of you might be thinking by now, and it's probably one of two things:

1. "Andrew! You're smarter than that! Smoking kills!"
2. "Andrew! You're retarded and I hope you get cancer!"

Probably about a 50/50 ratio there... Anyway, to those of you thinking the first one, you've got a good point. I don't plan on smoking forever, however, and college is a pretty good time to do those things that are unhealthy that you should probably stop doing after college (blackout drinking, looking at you). I'm certain that most people have a good deal of unhealthy habits both physical and otherwise. If you aren't going to stop those then I don't think I should stop mine. To those of you thinking the second one, I'm not sure why you'd be reading my personal blog...

Anyway, I like smoking. I like the way it looks, I like trying new kinds, I like the relaxation (seriously, no one ever tells you how much it relaxes you! I mean, I've heard that before but we're talking like an actual chemical "my muscles are soothing" sort of thing!), and so on. I have to be honest, never really pictured myself as a smoker. I'm not too bothered by it.

It still makes me look cool.

Tearing Out My Hair On The Bedroom Floor

So, it's four thirty on a Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting alone in my room, doing nothing but browsing the web pointlessly.

I woke up at 3 today, so I suppose that makes the situation less pointless but still.

I'm listening to Matthew Fozzi, the ex-backing vocalist from Tacking Back Sunday's, new band's album. It's pretty solid so far. Nice to listen to something I want to listen to instead of some of the things my friends choose for our little music club thing. I really aughta write about that sometime. There are a lot of things I should theoretically write about, but I'm too damn lazy.

I've had trouble wanting to write anymore. I feel like if it's about a subject I'm actually passionate about then generally no one gives a damn. I don't just want to write posts about negativity, that just drags in a bunch of appreciated-but-misplaced sympathy. I want to write for myself, not for anyone else. Not right now.

I'll probably be writing here more. I hope that you'll still read this, as I do honestly want other people to read it. I like the idea of keeping so much out in the open like this. I just don't want to feel like I have to keep people entertained when I'm obviously piss poor at it.

This thing has been long enough, I'm going to get off my ass and do something productive. Like eat. Eating is productive.

Would It Kill Me?

As I type this, I lay on my bed doing nothing. This has been my most common location for the past three days.

I know what the few of you who clicked the damn link are thinking: "Why do I give a fuck? Who possibly cares what Andrew is doing as he types his pointless ramblings?" while the other half are already clicking off the tab and heading to the kitchen to eat, finally having found a brief respite from the otherwise non-stop stream of interesting information on the internet. For those people, I fear all hope is lost of them ever viewing my laments. For the rest of you, I ask you to read (and maybe even comment0 because you, just maybe, care enough about me to read whatever I thought was important enough to write. At the least, indulge me.

Anyway, back to where we started. It's 11:30 at night and I haven't attempted to contact anyone to find out what interesting happenstances are occurring at the moment. I could do that, or I could continue to waste away with my bag of pretzels in my room. I've got no momentum right now, no desire to do anything. This isn't just my usual laziness. I feel very... burnt out. I don't really WANT to be around others.

I was really stressed out on my birthday a few days ago (thanks for all the birthday wishes and whatnots, by the way). A few factors included my dad being an ass, as usual, a lot of people cramped around me for most of the day, heat, a lack of decent sleep, and a massive amount of stupidity when trying to form any sort of plans for the day.

Now, I wouldn't say it was a bad birthday, but it disappointed in a few ways. More importantly, I was really looking forward to it and I suppose I just didn't really get what I wanted (not materialistically here people, I'm not that bad). This, in turn, has led to me not wanting to put forth any sort of effort into making these past few days anything special.

I suppose I'm typing this now because I just want to get it out there. I mean, what does one do when they feel like this? I don't want to be "that asshole" who goes and hangs out with his friends but then just mopes and constantly claims to be alright, only to follow up by sulking in the damn corner some more. No, I'm better than that (at least I'd like to hope I am), but then what do I do? I'm tired of being in this damn room. It's hot and a mess and I don't like it.

Anyway, if that whole thing was too long for you to read, I've got a nice short summary for you

• I'm burnt out and don't know how to deal with it.
• You're an ass, read it.

Time Is Quite The Killer When You're Left Behind

Today, I am here to talk to you about what I believe to be a perfect album that all of you should most certainly buy/download and listen to as soon as you possibly can!

Broken Bride by Ludo

If for some reason you've skimmed the caption text located directly above you, the album is Broken Bride by the band Ludo. I suppose I should start describing it, selling you on why it's perfect...

First off, it's a concept album. The whole thing is a rather cohesive and very touching story. It contains a pretty unique variety of sounds within it's five songs. It's about 30 minutes long, so it won't even take that much time for you to listen to, so no excuses!

It is also the only album to make me cry, dead serious. That being said, on to the individual tracks!

We'll start with the first and title track, Broken Bride. Immediately, we're given the rundown on our hero's situation: He's built a time machine to save his dead girlfriend's life by going back to, ya know, before she died and stopping it from happening, but he's traveled way too far back in time and ended up with dinosaurs. Hiding in a cave from the pterodactyls, he laments the futility of his efforts. It's a fun song and a great way to get you hooked on the album.

Next up is Save Our City. It's a bit confusing, as we're thrust into the Apocalypse, when zombies roam the Earth and everything is pretty much awful. It's actually kind of depressing, especially at first, when we're told of people committing suicide and generally losing hope. They're warring against a dragon and his undead army. By the end of the song (and it's a pretty long song), you'll feel inspired to take up arms yourself and fight the dragon.

The third track, Tonight's The Night, doesn't actually tell us much, but it sets up a bit of the previous story and provides a nice upbeat break between the melancholy of the previous track and the upcoming one. It's just the main character singing about how he'll save his girl with the time machine he's built (it takes place before the first track).

The Lamb And The Dragon, track four, is when shit gets real. Basically, our hero traveled forward from the time of the dinosaurs, but went too far and ended up in the end times (See! Track two wasn't pointless at all!). We learn about the war a bit more, about how the dragon's going to basically come and kill everybody through music that alternates between sounding like it came from a Renaissance fair and a heavy metal album. Our hero laments these problems, but knows he must see his girl again. He fires up the machine and...

I'm not going to spoil it here! Listen to it! I will tell you that the name of the last track is Morning In May, so you can maybe make an assumption or two, but still. It's worth every cent you will or won't pay for it.

What are you waiting for? Get to it!

Why I Currently Suck

I think that above title is probably appropriate yeah... This post will be dedicated to how my summer has been, but more importantly, why I suck right now and generally need to stop sucking.

Also, it feels real good to be posting after such an extended absence. I gotta do this more!


Over the summer, I've done a lot of cool things. Some of the ones I can think of are as follows (more may be added at a later point, as this is also something of a personal reminder):

• Went to King's Island with Phil, Anthony and Splinter
• Lots of late night White Castle
• Got mugged at Central, spent all night at the police station
• The party at Anthony's
• Infiltrated South Grove
• Swimming and tanning with Kyra
• DnD with the usual gang

I also have a good amount to look forward to, such as my birthday, Taking Back Sunday and Muse, Captain America, and a good 'nother month of shenanigans.

HOWEVER, I AM A LAZY BASTARD. I have become so incredibly useless during my summer. I will now present the world with a list of reasons I have been a piece of crap (I may again add more later):

• I haven't blogged in two months
• My clothes have generally resided on my floor
• I still haven't checked my stuff for next school year
• I still haven't called Alienware back about this thing's failures
• I didn't get my job back, probably because I waited over a month to call
• I've been waking up between 12-2 every day
• My room is an absolute wreck

Sweet God... It actually looks even worse when I've put it out there. Anyways, I have got to not do this. I'm hoping to start by posting this whole thing, but that's just a start (actually, I also did laundry today). Ideally, I'd get up at a decent time tomorrow, make a phone call, check the web, and then clean my room. That is totally not going to happen though.

I'm really not sure why I got so damn lazy. Maybe it was the absolute freedom of no school or job or anything. Maybe it was the sudden lack of stress. Maybe it's because my food intake has been cut in half. Nevertheless, I'm most certainly disappointed in myself. I could be, should be better than this.

Whatever, you all get the point.

I'll make sure to try harder to keep you informed on more crap about myself that you don't care about!

Responsibilities Of Many Kinds

Right now, I should be writing a paper for X-100, Introduction To Business. I will, sooner or later. It will get done, as will my other work. But it seems so pointless, so shallow...

I've been thinking a lot lately, about all sorts of things as evidenced by an earlier post. My current big question is this: What is my responsibility to this world?

Do I owe the world or the people of it anything? Should I be striving for the betterment of mankind? If so, how? There are many things one could theoretically do to attempt such a thing. I could educate myself politically and vote informed or even attempt to enter the system to make our country a better place to live. I could start a business with the intent of providing the world with a product or service that would better it. I could do all kinds of things, but ultimately, is it my responsibility?

What about my responsibility to myself? My desire for personal happiness and fulfillment? When does that factor in to my decision-making process? Likewise though, if all of my actions are self-serving am I selfish? Does it make me uncaring of the world around me?

What if absolutely everyone was self-serving? Wouldn't we all be fine then? I mean, if we were all held responsible for our own personal satisfaction and only our own, we wouldn't have to feel bad if others were in a bad situation. Of course, we DO feel bad, so that's a moot point. For that matter, I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel bad. Au contrair, I personally believe that by attempting to provide happiness for others, we can find peace for ourselves knowing we're doing something...

By saying that, I acknowledge that I believe a person to have some form of debt to the world around them. However, now there is the issue of what is truly important in life. Assuming that I should be helping others, is happiness what I should be attempting to provide? I find happiness to be a good goal, as it encompasses all sorts of options such as financial stability, equal rights, or even just someone to listen. What if I'm wrong though? What if the overall goal of humanity is to accomplish something and our personal happiness is insignificant to this goal or perhaps something that is supposed to be obtained through a pursuit of it?

By now, I must admit to a bit of weariness and am going to conclude this post. Any of you who read, I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

Why I'm Better Than A Few Of You...

This is why.

I checked the statistics of my blog, and found out that some of you are using Safari or, godforbid, INTERNET EXPLORER.




Sheeple, it is not 2000 anymore. You have several internet browsers you can choose from, and the flaming sack of crap that is Internet Explorer is not a valid choice. I know some people prefer Google Chrome, and a few of you like Opera, and that is fine by me. What is NOT fine is that some of you are willingly using a browser that is:

• Slow
• Ugly
• Vulnerable
• Out-Of-Date

If someone told you that if you just drove your car down to the lot they would replace it with a Ferrari, would you hesitate? No, of course you wouldn't. And yet, you willingly stick with an inferior browser.

http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

There, I even put a damn link for you. If those Internet Explorer and Safari numbers keep going up, I'm going to be really, really disappointed.