It's 11:26 on a Friday night and I've found myself in my room on my laptop, browsing websites about video games and listening to a few albums for the majority of the day (the past seven hours to be precise). I woke up on Nick's couch cold and sore from the night before. I turned 21 yesterday and I had a great night, thanks to some really great friends of mine. I could go on in detail about what I had to drink, the conversations held outside over a few cigarettes, or the forgotten walk back, but I'm certain that no one truly wants to read about it.
I haven't written anything in over two months. I felt that by officially declaring a hiatus that I could absolve my usual guilt of never bothering to post. It's worked surprisingly well, but I've got far too much to say to not write anymore. I've got a ton on my mind right now and I'm prone to getting exhausted and giving up on long posts, so we'll see how long this turns out...
I'm not sure what being 21 really means to me. It was liberating to go out to the bar and feel that much closer to what our society has established as adulthood. I'll never have to worry about any sort of underage drinking again. I sure don't feel like an adult though. I don't do enough, I'm not independent enough, I can't handle responsibility well enough, I'm too childish... I could go on about my anxiety towards my aging, but it makes it sound worse than it is. While all of these thoughts run through my head from time to time, in truth I'm generally happy with where I'm at and how I feel about my life. So far I've managed to get by in life by just winging it all, and I'll keep that up until it fails me.
On a similar note, I'd like to get more involved with something I consider worthwhile. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what defines me. I would generally refer to myself as "a nerdy and somewhat hip guy who digs music, gaming, eating, and the company of others" or something like that. The thing is, I don't feel like that actually paints a decent picture of myself. Now, I realize that the essence of a person can't simply be put into words. The thing is, I know that certain things are important to me, but I'm not sure how to describe them. I think the happiness of ourselves and others is the most important thing we can strive towards in life, because if a person has a true happiness then I can't really see what else they need. Happiness is something that is brought to us by many different sources. Some people seek accomplishment, recognition, fame, peace, etc... It's not as simple as buying the world a Coke and calling it a day. Anyways, I want to do volunteer work for Make-A-Wish foundation. The things they do for children constantly bring a smile to my face and I think the amount of effort that goes into ensuring that these kids who often won't get to live the same sort of life as others are given a wonderful life-changing experience is simply beautiful. I plan on starting up once I've returned to Bloomington.
Bloomington gives me a good starting point for my next bit of (it is at this exact moment that my long post exhaustion is kicking in, so...) rambling. I'm extremely excited to move into my apartment. In exactly three weeks I'll be spending my first night there. Bloomington is a wonderful town and I miss it. I miss the places, the atmosphere, and most importantly my friends. I love my friends in Beech Grove to death. They're the best friends that I could ever ask for. The difference is they can come spend a weekend in Bloomington. Richard can't exactly drive up from Tennessee every weekend. I haven't even been able to see John. It'll be so nice to be able to spend time with them in a place of living that I can call my own.
That being said, this has been one hell of a summer. We've (me and the guys) watched all of Avatar, went late night swimming, been mugging (not mugged thankfully), drank together, eaten our body weight in 50 cent wings at Buffalo Wild Wings, met several great musicians at some amazing concerts, and just hung out and had a good time. I've enjoyed not having any school work to stress about and at the beginning of the summer, getting away from Bloomington and getting back here was exactly what I needed.
The end of the school year was a rather large time for me in my life. Breaking up with my girlfriend of nearly four years changed a lot in how I lived my life, both on a physical and personal level. I've tried hard to make myself into a better person, to change the aspects of myself that I don't like. I feel like I've been somewhat successful in this while also realizing some other problems I've had along the way. Nobody is perfect, even if they spend their whole life trying to fix their flaws. I feel that by at least being aware of one's own faults, they can be lessened if never truly fixed. Changing who you are on a fundamental level isn't as easy as just wishing it that way and being done with it.
I want next year to be amazing. I want to live it as a person who has grown over a summer through life events and personal insight. I hope that I can live up to my expectations for myself.
This ended up pretty long... Sorry about that!